Everything's Not Lost
by Urania Black
Summary: All people want is someone to listen. When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship. Prequel to Holding Out for a Hero.
1. Everything's Not Lost

**Title: **Everything's Not Lost

**Summary:** Nick learns that not everything is lost.

**Disclaimer:** We all know I don't own Nick or Greg although I wish I did. Lyrics to Everything's Not Lost belongs to Coldplay. And I don't own them either.

**Notes: **Post Stalker AU. Yes this was published before Holding Out for a Hero, but I changed a few things and made a few decisions so be sure to read the Note at the bottom! Please review. Thanks!

If you ever feel neglected  
If you ever think all is lost   
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah  
Hoping everything's not lost,  
Everything's not lost  
When I'm counting up my demons

--Coldplay  "Everything's Not Lost"

 

Dr. Buckland opened the door for me as I left her office. "Nick," she said to me, "I don't think it's a very good idea for you to stay by yourself right now. Is there a friend or a family member you can stay with for a week or so? At least until you get your feet back on the ground and maybe find a new apartment." I stared at her numbly. Stay with someone? I was capable of taking care of myself. Besides who would I stay with? Who could I possibly ask? I was better off on my own.

"Yeah," I lied, "I'll find someone." I think she knew I was lying, but what was she going to do about it. She just smiled and nodded her head. Sometimes it felt almost as if she could see right through me. Like she knew all my secrets. All of them. And she still thought I would be okay. That I could make it even with all the demons I had from my past. I wanted to tell her about _it_ but I couldn't. I had all ready told Catherine and that had been torture. Besides the Doctor probably would have wanted me to tell my parents. I could hear her now telling me how it would bring closure. But I don't need closure. All I needed was a nice hot shower, a warm bed, and lots of sleep. I had a few days off to look forward to. I headed back to my house. There was still a giant hole in the ceiling, but it was covered by plastic. There was a car in my driveway when I pulled in. I started to get nervous before I realized Greg Sanders was sitting on my porch. I got out of the car and headed for the door. "What are you doing here Greg?" He shook his head and looked up at me, dazed for a few seconds.

"Oh, I uh, I was just checking in to see how you were holding up. See if you needed anything."

"I'm fine, Greg, but thanks for asking anyway. Do you want to come in?" I offered. He stood up to let me pass and unlock the door.

"Sure." I let him in. Poor kid wouldn't stop fidgeting. He looked like a mouse just waiting for the cat to pounce.

"Is there something wrong? Did _you_ need something?" He looked up at me in distress.

"No, it's just that. Well you see. Actually what I'm trying to say. There was this. I mean I got."

"Greg, take a deep breath buddy. Here sit down." I led him over to the couch and forced him to sit, "Now tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong. It's just that your doctor, she gave me a call. She said you needed somewhere to stay and she. I thought. Look, Nick, if you need a place to stay my apartment is open. Just come over when you're ready." Greg stood up then and walked to the door, poised to leave. He turned around and looked at me. There was a seriousness to him I don't think I had ever seen before. "If you don't want anyone to know you don't have to tell." And with that he left. I know he was just talking about staying with him, but that last comment it jarred me. All of a sudden I didn't want to be alone anymore. It was too much all at once. I went to my room and grabbed a duffel bag from the closet. I haphazardly tossed a few things in, grabbed my tooth brush and razor from the bathroom. I went back to the living room and sat down on the couch to breathe for a few seconds.

"If you don't want anyone to know you don't have to tell"

His words echoed throughout my head, throughout the room, throughout the house. I couldn't get away from them.

"You don't have to tell."

"Tell what?" I yelled out at the empty house. Beads of sweat began to form on my forehead and my hands were starting to shake. Dr. Buckland had been right. It was better if I stayed with someone else. Just for a little while.

I drove to Greg's apartment complex which was about twenty minutes from my house. I sat in the car looking at the building trying to muster enough courage to go and knock on his door. Going to stay with a friend did not make me weak. I wasn't giving in to anything. Being scared is normal. Everyone feels it.

Everyone feels it.

Everyone feels it.

I took a deep breath and stepped out of my Tahoe before going up to the second floor. I had only been to his apartment once before. His car had refused to start and he had needed a ride to work or Grissom would have killed him for being late. And everyone knows how unreliable cabs can be.

I raised my hand at least five times before I actually knocked on his door. I heard the ruffling of papers, the shuffling of feet, and then the door open. Greg didn't say a word he just let me in.

That's how it began. There were no words between us just a silent understanding. Greg was the one that told me I wasn't a coward. He made me understand that a coward would have run away. He had this far off look in his eyes when he explained it as if maybe once he had run from something. I didn't push the subject. I knew one day I would find out. The week I stayed at Greg's turned into two weeks, and then three. Finally around my sixth we somehow silently agreed we would become permanent roommates. Besides as Greg had put it, it was cheaper when two people were living together. That's how we both rationalized it. But underneath I think we both knew it was because we were tired of being alone.

I still haven't told Greg about _it_.

Greg still hasn't told me what he ran away from.

Together though we figured out that not everything is lost.

**NOTES: **I am seriously considering writing two more chapters for this that will take place immediately after _Holding Out for a Hero_ the first episode in the _Ghost of a Good Thing_ series and one that takes place immediately after _You're the One_ which is the second episode in the series. The entire lyrics to the Coldplay song are below this if you'd like them. Thanks to all who reviewed.

If you ever feel neglected,   
If you ever think all is lost,   
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,   
Hoping everything's not lost,   
Everything's not lost,   
When I'm counting up my demons.

There's always one for everyday,   
With the good ones on my shoulder,   
I drove the other ones away.   
  
If you ever feel neglected,   
If you think all is lost,   
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,   
Hoping everything's not lost.   
  
When you thought it was over,   
You could feel it all around,   
Everybody's out to get you,   
Don't you let it drag you down.   
  
Cos if you eve feel neglected,   
If you think that all is lost,   
I'll be counting all the demons, yeah.   
  
Singing out o yeah   
Everything's not lost,   
Come on yeah, o yeah, come on yeah,   
Everything's not lost,   
O yeah,   
Everything's not lost,   
Come on yeah, o yeah,   
Come on yeah   
O yeah, Come on yeah,   
Everything's not lost, Sing out yeah,   
Come on yeah   
Everything's not lost,   
Come on yeah, o yeah,   
Sing out yeah,   
Everything's not lost.


	2. Runaway Train

**Title: **Everything's Not Lost

**Summary:** Nick learns that not everything is lost.

**Disclaimer:** We all know I don't own Nick or Greg although I wish I did. Lyrics to Runaway Train belong to Soul Asylum. And I don't own them either.

**Notes: **This chapter is going to be between Nick and Greg to set up Nick's feelings on having Nina move in (even though it was his suggestion) and why he thinks Greg ran away.

**Chapter Two: **Runaway Train****

Runaway train, never coming back  
Runaway train, tearing up the track  
Runaway train, burning in my veins  
I run away but it always seems the same

--Soul Asylum "Runaway Train"

I sat on the couch waiting for Greg to get home. He had gone over to Nina's to help her pack up a few boxes. Whenever she called he seemed to go. It was like he was trying to make up for some horrible deed he had done in a past life. He never told her no. I don't see how anyone could though. One look into those brown eyes when she was sad and the only thought on your mind is to change the world so she's happy. I'd only known her a few short weeks and already she had me under her spell.

I watched the water drip down the side of the cool glass I had set down on the coffee table. I hadn't used a coaster. Nina probably would have told me to go get a coaster before I ruined the table. She reminded me a lot of Catherine. I had a dream one night that Nina found out about _it_ and she had looked the same way Catherine had. Pity filled her eyes, but also anger. Almost as if she thought she should have been able to stop it somehow. I feel that way about the kids I see at crime scenes sometimes. As if I should have stopped them from having to bear so much pain all alone. I should be able to protect them from dying alone. Everyone else is always so worried about _how _they're going to die. I'm worried about who's going to be there when I die. Will anyone care? Will there be anyone around? Or will I have outlived everyone.

I had a dream once about my own funeral.

My mother wore the same satin black dress she had worn to my grandfather's funeral and she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue even though she wasn't crying.

My father sat next to her holding her hand in his lap no sign of expression on his face, just like it had been for the eighteen years I had lived with him.

My siblings were all lined up looking prim and proper. Exactly the way we were all brought up to be.

Behind them though were my coworkers. They were the only ones that looked real. The pain looked real. Not faked because I was their beloved son and brother, but because they might truly miss me.

Grissom sat on one end of the row, directly behind my mother. In a way he reminded me of my father. No emotion. Except sometimes Grissom let his eyes betray him and in this dream they did. For the first time Grissom was feeling loss. Now he might be able to sympathize with the victims a little more. Sara would be happy about that.

Sara sat next to him. Catherine had probably arranged that. She had always thought there was a glimmer of a chance he might realize all the pain he was causing Sara. I knew the bitter truth though. Grissom never realized anything until he had lost it. He would lose Sara soon enough. I'd never really seen Sara cry, but she was. And it was beautiful. You can't say that about a lot people when they cry. Their eyes get red and puffy and their faces scrunch up, but the tears seemed to magically fall. Like an angel sat on her shoulder delicately placing each one.

Catherine was the next one in line. She had rested her head on Warrick's shoulder. He was the only one she ever seemed to find comfort in. It might have been because he always seemed to have it together or maybe it was because he let her be scared without letting her know he knew she really was. I knew Catherine wouldn't cry in public. It would go against her very nature. She would wait for the security of her bedroom and maybe cry herself to sleep, trying to be as quite as possible so as not to wake Lindsey.

Warrick looked like Warrick. He must have picked up a few things from Grissom except Warrick's eyes always betrayed him, no matter what the circumstances. You just had to know how to read them. His brown eyes made him seem like a wounded puppy. They reminded me a lot of Nina's eyes only hers were like warm chocolate, something you could melt in. His were like coffee that had been left sitting in the cup for too long even though you had added just the right amount of cream and sugar to make it perfect. That was Warrick so close to being perfect except he lacked one key element and no one knew what that was.

Greg was next. He had never really been afraid to hide anything as long as it didn't have to do with his past. He wore his heart out on his sleeve and was easily hurt because of it. But he wasn't crying, he wasn't looking at the casket or the preacher or any of the others, he was staring at my mother and father a look of pure hatred on his face. I'll probably never know why. Maybe I'll ask him one day.

The door opening brought me out of reliving my dream and I took my eyes of the glass to look up at an exhausted Greg. He tossed the keys on the kitchen counter and took a seat on the couch next to me. We both stared at the water glass. The couch squeaked when Greg changed his position and I looked over at him. He looked lost and tired, but content in some way. I had to ask and there was no time like the present.

"Are they what you ran from?" The question didn't startle him. He must have been expecting it. He knows I have to talk about things and I think he's gotten pretty used to it by now.

"Yeah." He answered simply. Something in the way he said it though stopped me from questioning further. I decided to wait and see if he would tell me anything on his own.

"Cassandra's not really my daughter," I wasn't too surprised to hear this after I had heard Catherine's explanation, "None of us know who the real father is, but Nina was determined that her baby would grow up with a mother and a father so we made a rule. Whichever one of us, me or Shawn, was around when Cassandra first said 'dada' would be the father. Sometimes I think God did it as a cruel joke because he needed a really good laugh right then and I was the only one around to pick on. Shawn was working and the girls were still at school doing some science experiment so I was stuck babysitting. I always hated it because it killed me to see her cry. And then while I was changing her diaper she looked right at me and said it. I was ecstatic at first and then it kind of hit me like a tidal wave what this new responsibility would include. Nina assured me I wouldn't have to do anything extra. That it was just a title, but I knew better than that. I was seventeen. I wasn't anywhere near ready to be a father. And I couldn't go back on the deal because we had all agreed that would be best. When I went off to college I had a taste of freedom. I'd dream about what would happen if I went back to New York and I'd dream about what would happen if I didn't. I choose the latter and for a few weeks I was happy. Then I started working at the crime lab and I would hear all of you talking about the dead beat dads and I couldn't help but think I was one of them. I kept hoping they would never be able to find me. That maybe Nina would just forget and so would Cassie and they would decide to make Shawn 'dada'. Although I knew that wouldn't happen. It would be even more confusing for Cassie that way. I mean we all knew they would get married someday." Greg stopped to breathe.

I sat and listened as he rambled on about his past. He told me stories of how they all met. He told me where he lived with his mother and how far away it was from the orphanage where Shawn and Nina resided and from there it was a short walk to the park and on the other side of the park Marie lived with her grandparents. He told me how when he entered high school he and Shawn got into quite a bit of trouble and Nina did all of his homework and made sure he didn't fail and when she was mugged at the beginning of junior year he changed his ways and went straight. Apparently she had been waiting for him in the park and he had been too high to remember. He told me about all of Cassandra's first and he retold me about the day he got his acceptance letter. It wasn't until I looked over at him that I noticed the tears. They fell one at a time and none of them ever touched his cheeks. They fell straight from his eyes onto his faded blue jeans. It was quite a site. I've never seen anyone cry quite like Greg does. Watching him cry makes you think about how cruel the world really is. Greg isn't supposed to be sad. It's unthinkable because if Greg can be sad that means evil might really exist in the world and sometimes I like to pretend that it doesn't.

I learned more about Greg that night than I had the entire time I lived with him. Sure I all ready knew the little things like he loved bacon and he liked to have the first shower so he could be ready to go early. He bought baby shampoo because it reminded him of being young. He hated onion rings and moldy cheese and doing laundry. He called his mother once a month and left a message despite the fact she never called him back and to my knowledge she had never picked up. I had learned that Greg would rather watch whatever channel the TV was on than get up and walk the few feet to get the remote. He liked his popcorn without butter and with lots of parmesan cheese. All of this seemed petty compared to everything he told me that night. But the best thing about it was he didn't ask for me to share my deepest, darkest secret in return. He thanked me for listening to him and then went to bed. I stayed on the couch and began to stare at the glass of water. There would be a ring when I finally picked it up and put it in the kitchen, but Greg and I wouldn't care. Nina probably would though.

**Notes:** I have started working on _You're the One_ so no fear. The first chapter will be up shortly. Until then relax and read other stories. Here are the lyrics to Runaway Train if you'd like to read them.

Call you up in the middle of the night  
Like a firefly without a light  
You were there like a blowtorch burning  
I was a key that could use a little turning  
  
So tired that I couldn't even sleep  
So many secrets I couldn't keep  
I promised myself I wouldn't weep  
One more promise I couldn't keep  
  
It seems no one can help me now,  
I'm in too deep; there's no way out  
This time I have really led myself astray  
  
Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there  
  
Can you help me remember how to smile?  
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile  
How on earth did I get so jaded?  
Life's mystery seems so faded  
  
I can go where no one else can go  
I know what no one else knows  
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain  
With a ticket for a runaway train  
  
And everything seems cut and dried,  
Day and night, earth and sky,  
Somehow I just don't believe it  
  
Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there  
  
Bought a ticket for a runaway train  
Like a madman laughing at the rain  
A little out of touch, a little insane  
It's just easier than dealing with the pain  
  
Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there  
  
Runaway train, never coming back  
Runaway train, tearing up the track  
Runaway train, burning in my veins  
I run away but it always seems the same


	3. Hand Me Down

**Title: **Everything's Not Lost

**Summary:** Nick learns that not everything is lost.

**Disclaimer:** We all know I don't own Nick or Greg although I wish I did. Lyrics to Hand Me Down belong to Matchbox 20. And I don't own them either.

**Notes:** This chapter is going to be mostly between Nick and Nina and setting up bases for their friendship since she is still getting to know everyone.

**Chapter Three: **Hand Me Down

From what I've seen  
You're just a one more hand me down  
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
So lay all your troubles down  
I am with you now  
--Matchbox 20 "Hand Me Down"

The neck of the bottle was wet against the palm of my hand. The cool liquid burned as it made its way down my dry, cracked throat and into my empty stomach. I felt it seep into my blood and travel to my brain. It was a soothing feeling. With each sip I took it burned less and less. My thirst was gone, but the pain was still there so I continued to sip until the bottle was nearly empty. Before I took another swig I stared at the clear liquid in the cheap glass bottle. It reminded me of the glass I had left on the coffee table once without a coaster.

It had ended up leaving a ring.

It was the first thing Nina had noticed about our cramped living room when she moved in.

The door opened and in shuffled the infamous ring-fighting-coaster-defending woman. She threw her purse down on top of the pile of shoes by the door and reached up to remove the band that held her hair in place on the back of her head. It fell all the way down to her waist. I had been shocked the first time I had seen it loose. She looked about eighteen when she let her hair down. I asked if she'd ever get it cut off she told me no and that was the end of that.

She hadn't noticed me yet or she was pretending I wasn't there. Whichever one it was I was eternally grateful for the lack of bombarding questions I know usually would have come. I watched her walk towards me without saying a word. Anyone could tell she used to be a dancer just by the way she moved. Fluid, dream-like. She made walking seem like an art. Sometimes she was worse than Catherine. The way they both could move, it made a man wonder.

"Why are you so pissed off at me?" Nina never was one to beat around the bush. I could always trust her to tell it to me straight.

"I'm not." I may have slurred my words, but I'm not sure. Most things that night were a blur except the conversation. That would be damn near impossible to forget, but I knew one day if I tried hard enough I could push it into the back of my head and at least pretend to forget.

"It's about Derek isn't it? You're mad I left Cassie with him. Why? I trust him. I wouldn't have left her with someone I wasn't absolutely sure was going to take care of her. People think I'm a little too liberal sometimes. Do you think I'm a bad mother? Is that it?" She looked so vulnerable. If I said the wrong thing her world could come crashing down around her.

"I don't think you're a bad mother." I sighed and took the last swig in the bottle, "I think you're a little too trusting sometimes."

"I had Brass do a complete background check on the guy if that makes you feel any better. He had one ticket for speeding when he was seventeen." I didn't really have a response to that. Besides just because the guy had never been caught didn't mean he had never broken the law. "Dammit Nick," she finally yelled, "just tell me what you're so upset about. You can tell me anything you know. I won't get mad, but I can't take _you_ being mad at me."

"I'd rather not talk about it, but it doesn't have anything to do with you."

"It has to do with the case doesn't it?" She had lived with me, what, a total of two weeks and she could all ready practically read my mind. I didn't like that. It was just too creepy.

"Please, Nina, just drop it." I sighed. She stayed silent for a few minutes before she began speaking again. This time though she asked no questions. She just began to talk and I listened.

"I know what everyone thinks of me being a mother. I was just some stupid teenager that got knocked-up at some high school party. It wasn't like that. I don't know who Cassie's father is. I never saw his face. It happened the night I was waiting for Greg in the park so we could work on his Chemistry homework together, but he forgot or something like that. I still can't even really recall exactly what happened. I just remember I couldn't scream. I tried really hard to scream, but I couldn't. My voice just stopped working. Cassie was born with a knot in her umbilical cord. Five minutes and she would have died if they hadn't preformed the emergency c-section. She's my little miracle. I wouldn't be careless enough to leave her with someone that might hurt her. I wish I could make you believe me." Nina stood up from the couch and turned to go to the bedroom she shared with Cassie.

"My mother left me with a last minute babysitter when I was nine," I began. She stopped and turned around to stare at me as I talked. "She was twenty. My parents had known her since she was in junior high. My voice didn't work either. I couldn't say anything. I waited for hours for mother to get home huddled up in my bed, but she didn't even come to check on me. She went straight to bed." Nina sat down heavily on the couch.

"Nick-" she began, but I cut her off.

"Don't. Don't say anything. We'll just keep this conversation between us." Nina nodded the tears in her eyes beginning to spill over. I wiped them away gently with my thumb, "Don't cry for me either Nina. Cry for the kids that have to deal with it everyday. At least it was only a one time thing for me. Can you imagine dealing with that fear everyday?" she shook her head. She raised a shaky hand to wipe away the last of her tears.

"Get some sleep Nick. Take some Tylenol PM so you don't dream." She stood quickly and disappeared into her bedroom at the end of the hall.

I took her suggestion to heart and took three of the pills before going to bed.

She was right. It kept the dreams away.

**A/N:** Sorry about the very long delay, but I was moving and then I lost everything on my computer, and I could go on and on with all my excuses. I'm working on the next installment in the series and hopefully I might be able to post it shortly. But until then please review. Thanks.

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue  
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you  
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to  
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth  
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say  
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I've seen  
You're just a one more hand me down  
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
So lay all your troubles down  
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in  
Try to make you love again  
Try to make you like the way they feel  
When they're under your skin  
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you  
You wonder why they haven't called  
When they said they'd call you  
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by  
You'll start to think you were born blind

From what I've seen  
You're just a one more hand me down  
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
So lay all your troubles down  
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times  
The straight to your heart times  
Whenever it ain't easy  
You can stand up against me  
And maybe rely on me  
And cry on me, yeah  
Oh no, no, no

Some day they'll open up your world  
Shake it down on a drawing board  
Do their best to change you  
They still can't erase you

From what I've seen  
You're just a one more hand me down  
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
So lay all your troubles down  
I am with you now

Lay them down on me  
Oh yeah  
You're just one more hand me down


End file.
